i picked up a copy of the june issue of memory makers. WOW! amazing work. i swear each issue just gets better and better!
but also as i was flipping through yesterday i realized how full circle my life has come right now. a year ago this spring is when i had finally started to get my life on track. my soul was at peace with the things i couldn't change in my life. to celebrate my growth and change i did a layout. it became my themed layout for the memory makers masters contest last summer and was featured in "meet the masters's" article in january. something that was never shared though was the journaling . . .
I had been having pain off and on for about a year. The episodes usually lasted a couple of days. Nothing too sever, most of the time being just a subtle annoyance. In January of 2005 the pain became unbearable. I quickly made a doctor's appointment. After a few more appointments and many tests I was scheduled for surgery.
The culprit: endometriosis. I had heard of it, but actually had no idea what it was. After a lot of reading and a follow-up appointment with my doctor the reality started to sink in. Although not life threatening this disease had drastically changed my life.
I was twenty-five years old. We had been blessed with one little boy, but I really wasn't ready to quite trying. I had always dreamed of having a big family and I couldn't bear going through menopause at such a young age. So I decided to just deal with the pain for the time in hopes of adding to our family.
What I learned is that pain has a way of breaking you down. It became a never-ending cycle every month. Trying to deal. Trying to just get through. I became an emotional wreck with no end in sight. I started becoming bitter as well, pushing people away. How would they know what I was going through they didn't hav this?! The self pity and 'why me' started. I even got to the point where pregnant woman and little babies just made me cry. Several sister-in-law's became pregnant - I couldn't find it in myself to even be happy for them. Didn't they know it was suppose to be my turn to be pregnant?! I let the disease control what my days were going to be like . . . I went on in this selfish state for almost a whole year.
What a wasted year! One day I woke up and realized that my ride on the bitter train needed to end. I looked at my life, my attitude, my relationships, and realized that I didn't like who I was and I needed to change. I went to church with a new resolve. I started reading my scriptures and turning to my Heavenly Father. I asked that my heart be softened and that I could find peace within myself. I wanted to be happy again. To live again.
Through time and prayer it happened. I was able to find peace again. I still have pain. I still have worries that Wes will be an only child, but I know that for some reason I was given this to bear. I know I can have help when I can't bear it any longer. I have a loving supportive husband and an incredibly adorable little boy. I'm truly blessed!
Through the pain and the yearnings I have come to celebrate life: My life!
in the new june issue the master's were interview again and asked to make a layout that we thought was a "winning" page. the layout featured was another tough one for me to make. why did i do it then? . . . because scrapbooking is my life. besides my blog i don't really keep a journal. through my scrapbook layouts my posterity will know me. they will now my dreams, my wishes, my challenges, my joys. scrapbooking for me is about not making my life seem perfect, but sharing my story.
i picked the theme "one wish" and then made my layout based on that theme. it was fun to see that the actual theme for the 2008 contest turned out to be "i wish".
so what is my one wish (most of you already know). it's to have another baby . . . a girl. like the title of my layout - "just a little pink". since my journaling is hard to read i thought i would share it here:
i have my boys, my family, scrapbooking, church . . . life is full and i'm loving it all.
sometimes though after looking at pictures of babies, seeing all the pink that exists in my supplies and hearing wes constantly ask for a baby sister . . . i go there; that place where i secretly still long for a little baby. where my wall comes down for an instance and i can shed a tear or two. where i still say a silent prayer and ask for that wish to be fulfilled.
i can see her a little girl with dark eyes and hair. we even have her name picked out . . .
so there you go. the progress of a journey. a journey that continues as i continue to make new goals and strive to keep going.